It’s my 43rd birthday today. It should have been a special day, but it feels like just another day. I’m physically tired from my new class yesterday, continued by my work at the school. Somehow I always had this wish that on this very particular day I wouldn’t have to do anything and just lay on the couch doing nothing. But as a mother, this is basically only wishful thinking.
Anyway, apart from feeling tired and not so excited, I’m very happy. I am enormously grateful to God that He has allowed me to live until this day. I still remember my feelings from five years ago, the questions whether I would be able to make it or not. Or the anxiousness that I had when I had my fortieth birthday.
Now, here I am, alive and kicking! Only by the grace of God alone.
I used to hate birthdays. As someone who idolized Peter Pan, I refused to grow up until I reached twenty something. After I realized I couldn’t stop nature from doing its part in making me get older, I started to be at ease in welcoming the birthday.
Now, I’m just grateful for every year that counts. Some women would hide their ages. But not me. Those numbers are the numbers of how much God has loved me and spared me. He has lifted me up from so many dark alleys. I’m proud and grateful I’m now forty three.
On days like these, I usually would be busy thinking about what kind of birthday gift I could ask from my darling husband. I liked to buy something I really needed as my present. The feelings that he bought something ‘expensive’ for me because he loves me justified the guilty feeling that always linger whenever I get things outside the daily necessities.
But this year I truly don’t know what to ask. It seems I already have every single thing I need. Of course birthdays can always be a reason to have the newest phone or tablet or whatever. But I’m a cheap girl and try to buy such things only when it’s really needed. So, perhaps there’s no present for me this year? Hehehe…
Anyway my dear husband and the kids have given me the elephant card. Something he has faithfully been doing for the eleven years (+1) that we spent together. So it’s good enough 🙂
Birthdays also always remind me of my mom. Ever since I became a mother and went through the gruesome process of delivering my babies to this earth, I realized that one’s birthday should be celebrated by remembering the mother who has given birth to her/him. Without my mom, who gave birth to me and raised me, I wouldn’t be here today.
So thank you, Mom. For walking in the dark alley alone, 43 years ago. For raising this stubborn daughter of yours. For bearing my weakness and containing my tears whenever I frustratedly call you and tell you about my tough days. For being a very tough mom in the past five years. For your prayers, your consolations, and your wisdom.
And thank you Pap. Although it’s not always easy to decipher your love into what I want to hear, I know that you have so much love for me. Your faith and love to God is the greatest gift for me.