I was closing my eyes in the shuttle bus between Redhill MRT and my office this morning, trying to get some nap. It was merely a 10 minutes ride – can be less, if we were not stopped by any traffic light, but I was very tired, and today is only Monday. This week will be another hectic one, and I need all the strength to survive the coming days.

I was thinking once my Oma told me to withdraw the strength from Jesus in the time of weariness. I remember that time I ask her helplessly – how to withdraw strength from Him? So I once I got the chance to get a seat in that 10 minutes bus ride, I started to say the Lord’s Prayer…

Our Father, who art in Heaven,
hallowed be Thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done,
on Earth, as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread…

I was saying the prayer in Indonesia and the last sentence as I quoted above is:
Berikanlah kami pada hari ini, makanan kami yang secukupnya… if I translate in English it would be “give us today our food in (just) enough amount…”

I was startled and ask myself, is it really my prayer? To get (just) enough food – just enough grace for one day from God. Do I really want to pray: dear God, please bless me (just) enough – or actually I wanted to say: dear God, please bless me (with food, and other things) abundantly!

I mean, being honest to ourselves, is there any time that we can honestly saying: give me just enough money, just enough health, just enough blessing?

These months have been very tough for me. Over the misery of being outcasted by former-closest person, I have to endure some hardship at the office, overwhelmed by the church schedules, and suddenly I was told to move in with my brother. All of sudden I had to juggle between work, reading tons of house-ads, scheduling the viewing, attending the bible classes, preparing my Sunday school activities, going down again on my project deadlines, trying to find times to do my packing, suddenly being involved in the decoration team for Sunday School Christmas and having being treated not nicely by the fellow in the Christmas Play. What a good time! I mean, hey you, I’m having a tough time here, and all I want to do is to get through all of my responsibilities – alive. And dear, wouldn’t u want to keep me out from any unnecessary additional burden?

I mean, look at us, we’re simply strangers, but somehow we’re tangled in this complicated silence. I don’t know what should I do, whether to say hello – cause I found you were frowning when I smiled at you – or should I just ignore you and let both of us act like uncivilized people right in the middle of the church community?

I won’t bother it so much if I don’t need to talk to you. I mean, that’s how it’s been until now right? But now when somehow they plunged me into this décor things – hey there, to be very honest to myself, my old lazy persona would definitely say NO and walk away. I’m having so many things to do right now. But how could I keep saying no? I’ve turned them down once when they ask me to be the coordinator, but promising them that I would give any help they need.

And how I’m very much fighting my old character and be responsible to every commitment I’ve made in front of my Master, and dear friend, couldn’t we just be somehow courteous people who respond properly when somebody talk to us?

I feel very much annoyed and somehow hurt. I mean, I believe this guy is actually a good person. And I don’t expect much other than some normal considerateness towards one another. And to say, that I’ve been through this kind of humiliation, oh dear Lord, should I go through it once more – from someone who’s just anyone? I mean, hey you, like I said, both of us are merely strangers!

Oh God… why should I go through this kind of thing again? Is being hurt and outcasted by my dearest person not enough; even any person can just put me in the same disgrace? Am I such an unworthy person?

Feeling fragile, frail and helpless thinking how to survive another hard week until the Christmas rally – even finding what clothes to wear is simply difficult since I haven’t finished unpacking my things; I leaned myself to the bus seat and closed my eyes. Saying my prayers silently – dear God, please give me 10 minutes rest and let me get Your strength to be able to get through today…

So I was closing my eyes and saying my prayer when I came to the sentence, and asked myself, can I say it honestly – give us o God, a blessing that is just enough – when now I hardly feel enough.

I asked God help to find the units, and the minute He answered me, the worries about other things rushed in – I needed the strength to do the packing and help on moving my things. For these matters, somehow He gave me strength and time to escape from my busy timeline and finished the packing, and He even sent me some good-old friends who offered help, though I never thought I would ever ask them for their favor. And those things have been answered only yesterday, and today I was sitting helplessly agitated by how should I react toward somebody who doesn’t want to talk to me. Should I talk this out with him? Or just simply ignore him and pretend that he’s non-existence, just as what he did to me?

Just after God answered my problems – you won’t imagine how many things twisted and tangled in these past few weeks – even small things like losing the music stand for my piano, no replacement tenant for my old bedroom, or suddenly being left doing the airport project alone – those things that I thought would lead my crazy, but yet, one by one God did answer my prayers and gave what I need. And yet, shortly after that I would say, God, what about this? Do you actually hear my prayers? Why God, oh why You ignore this item? What about this? What about other things after this? The strength to deliver the tender document? The strength to get to the Children Christmas Service done? The way to solve other problems which I can’t describe here?

As I write this down this evening – yeah, I’ve called that person just now. The problem is solved. I think he simply find me annoying to his standard, and he mentioned about I should behave more maturely. *is mature the right word?*

Oh dear God, what should I do? Yes, You’ve answered my prayer to be able to discuss this with him. But even in front of a stranger, I’m still that stupid childish girl who failed to grow up…

Do You also feel the same shame oh God – when You claim I am Your own?

Haven’t I tried hard enough to fight my flawed self?

With so many things unanswered and my heart grows with worries for so many things, I will go home this evening and ask myself, do I really mean it when I say to You oh God to give me my daily bread?

Oh Lord, I do believe (in You), help me overcome my unbelief!