To be Happy, Against All Odds

I don’t know about tomorrow,
It may bring me poverty;
But the One Who feeds the sparrow,
Is the One Who stands by me.
And the path that be my portion,
May be through the flame or flood,
But His presence goes before me,
And I’m covered with His blood.

Many things about tomorrow,
I don’t seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

Have you ever cried – when you are actually feeling happy, or feeling happy when you’re actually broken hearted?

It’s like when you feel happy when you graduate from college, but feeling sad and uncertain in the same time because you have to leave the life you’ve known well about?

Or when you feel sad to let go your only one child to the hands of others – he’s being somebody’s own in the sacred marriage, but in the same time you feel happy because he found his other half?

Or when you feel relieved to let someone die – when you are absolutely devastated by the loss, but happy to know he’s not suffering anymore?

“Everything happens for a reason. My loss of Kim is still my biggest sadness, but his found of Christ is the answer of my very prayer, and at the same time it’s my biggest joy. I’m happy to hear that he sticks with God – it’s always been our prayer to keep in God no matter happen. Hope he also can be a testimony for his family and others…”

I wrote that sms in tears this morning. Hearing again about my loved one, it broke my defense in instant and I broke and started to cry.

He’s been my best best best friend. My lover and my closest person. And these two years without him has been the hardest time – ever in my whole life. Though I’ve been learning to smile again lately, but truly, his leaving has left a very big void in my life…

But in the same time, I know we’ve been blessed by the Dearest God. I remember his eyes when he asked me irritated, who’s this God you’ve kept talking about? I remember the bleakness time when I knelt and pray – thinking that all of these were too much to bear, Him finding God was too impossible. I remember the time when I thought he’d never understand, he’d never understand this Love I wanted him to know.

I remember my father’s birthday night, when I told my God, if I may asked only one thing from You o Dear God, I would asked You to save him, and let me out. I’m ready to let go, only if YOU catch him with your hands and keep him. Only when he received You as His savior…

And haven’t God answered my prayer? I cried in silent when I heard him singing along in the church for the very first time. I cried in silent when he said let’s go to the prayer meeting. I cried in silent beside him when he said his prayer to accept Jesus Christ as his savior. I cried in silent when he finally said yes to get baptized. I cried in silent when I saw him knelt receiving his baptism.

But why can’t I stop crying o dear God when I remember him? Why can’t I stop this pain inside when I know he’s not here with me?

Have you ever feel happy – and shattered in the same time?

Isaiah 55:8-9
8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Jeremiah 29:11-14
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity. [b] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

Someday, someday dear friend, we’ll for sure will meet again in our Father’s home.


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