I hate being a spoilsport – though it seems I made myself a good number of times. And the worst reason to be a spoilsport is to be sick – just in time when I must do something. Since I was young, I have skipped hundreds numbers of classes, meetings, services, appointments, parties, works, and vacations – for the sake of being ill. And yesterday it happened again, the first Sunday of the year that supposed to be the new beginning.

I was at church for a morning service when I started to feel uneasy feeling on my left chest and started to have a heavy-breathing. I rushed home and stayed in bed the whole day and night. Hate myself for making trouble for a fellow from church who took me home, for making my brother and sister in law busy taking care for me, for informing my fellow teacher that I can’t teach the Sunday school, for canceling my appointment with a friend, for being unable to accompany my brother and sister in law who came to Singapore for holiday. I hate myself for still having the pain until now. And I hate myself for suffering from a self-pity syndrome every time it happens..

I hate myself for being unable to meet my commitment to my responsibilities– I’ve been using this ‘being sick’ as an excuse for a very long time, and it feels like I’m a person who cannot keep my promise, such an irresponsible person –an image which I really want to leave behind. I feel like being a trouble for others! Arrggggh!

No, no, I don’t have any good things to share here. Just want to burst out my frustration. Sigh sigh sigh. I hope – if I’m allowed to hope – I hope someday these weakness stop getting in my way.

If only. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.