There were times in my life, when I got misunderstood by others; I wished that someone would stand up for me. Saying things to defend me, things that I can’t speak on my own.

Maybe I’ve watched too many Disney’s fairy-tales – because the wish never came true. The prince charming never came to my rescue when it happened. The most difficult time in my life had to be faced by myself – with God, but by myself.

Tonight I’m fighting with my timidity, trying to settle down something with a friend. After listening to Piper and learning about my pride and the need to rely on God to be able to love others in correct way – still I tried to make score by my own strength. I know that something is not right; more misunderstandings are coming our way, unnecessary problems when some people are confused about some people’s feelings. So I pulled myself together and tried to start the conversation. But I forgot to pray.

It went out not smoothly – I seemed to be out of focus and can’t find my way to say my concern. Gosh, while people think that I’m good with words – actually I’m nothing but a big failure. Well, of course I am, because who am I when I’m on my own? I’m nothing.

So I closed my door, lit my candles and bent down on my praying rug. Dear God, I’ve might have screwed up the chance to mend this because I’ve been starting without You. But please give me a chance, to be able to love him with Your love, to love him first, more than I love myself, so I can say what’s right. Then I remember Piper said, “The spiritual person will help the erring brother or sister by pointing only to Christ where there is healing.” So I ended up my prayer asking God to be able to point to God, and not to highlight my pride.

And somehow – by God’s great grace, the drama was over in some short sentences. I managed (God managed!) to convey my message to him and he understood – after I thought (before I prayed) that I’ve lost my words again like usual time. Well, I do hope that he understands, so all things will go on in a good, proper and pleasant way before God 🙂

It’s not easy to be assertive. Yes it’s not easy because deep inside I’m timid and shy. It’s not easy because I’ve been my mommy’s girl for too long and I was such a crybaby. It’s not easy because I hate confrontation and hate to hurt others. But most of all, it’s not easy because I always thought it’s me who can make it work – and for my own sake that I have to make it work.

It’s not easy to be assertive. But with God, and in God, I’ve learned my lesson tonight. And will learn another lesson again someday. To love God and to love others more than I love myself, even when it calls me to be firm – something that’s very hard for me 🙂

I’m glad for today’s lesson. I’m glad that God has given me the words to say. I’m glad that God has given me the strength to love others. May all things be done to glorify Him alone 🙂

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things – Philippians 4:8

For someone out there who understands this battle I’ve had to go through, thank you 🙂 Thank you for reminding me to talk as DIP yang asli – the hidden part of me.