Oh mine, I feel heavy. I am heavy. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

I’ve been gaining weight since the end of 2008 – OK, this is the time to stop blaming my AD trip to cause this weight problem. But somehow it’s true, it started there and I couldn’t seem to stop myself to eat those beautiful foods! I stopped cooking and started eating, haha, that’s sad. Until I fell ill beginning of this year and being told I only can eat in a small amount every time…

I’ve gained 5 kg within the remarkable year and now my wardrobe seemed to be out of choices for me to wear. I opened my wardrobe this morning panicky looking for something to wear. Nothing! This change of size plus the fact I haven’t done ironing my clean laundry are really giving me a hard time. Finally I took out a white blouse and a dark-grey skirt and thought, ‘Gee, I’ll look like a waiter wearing this’. Thank God I didn’t – I rather look too formal today and match with those high level bosses who somehow really like to wear black and white. Ha. Ha.

Of course I’m aware of my changes. But surely I have something very wrong in my way of thinking. I keep thinking that everything will be just fine. This will be just a temporary chubbiness – which is true in some ways. It’s impossible for me to go any diet now – I hardly eat anything, one portion of meal for afternoon and evening – I’ll suffer from malnutrition if I cut down my food now. And as the matter of fact I’m still safe in the ideal BMI range. But if I may be honest to myself, I am indeed too heavy – it’s started to add on my uneasiness to breath. Sigh.

But my broken way of thinking always led me to think that this is just temporary, and it’s not a serious matter. I refused to take care of my body; I refused to take light exercise as advised. Whenever I saw people with serious obesity and successful story of losing weight, I always thought, I will able to do the same. If I were them I will succeed too. But then, if losing 5 kg is so very impossible for me (since I do nothing about that), how would I lose 80 kg?

And doesn’t it go the same way with other bad habits and sin? We always thought, it’s ok, this minor, this is temporary, this is not frequent, this is the first time, this is the second time, this won’t take long, this is only me – it doesn’t harm or involve others, this is unnoticeable, this is small, this is just a beginning?

We never thought about it seriously. We thought that we would be able to take control; we’ll be able to go back to the right track, to amend our wrongdoings. “It’s just a little lie, mind you!” we said, but at the end, the little lie leads us to another and ends with breaking a lot of trust and hearts. “It’s just one lateness, nobody’s killed!” we said, but at the end it ends up on a forever tardiness.

It took me one full year of living in sin – in literal meaning – because I had been enjoying the food that was always a big no no for me. I ended up hospitalized and having 5 kg extra weight to lose and a bad pattern of eating I’m still trying to remove. And I still have hundreds of other bad habits that I must discipline. And may God help me.

Everyone who enters an athletic contest practices self-control in everything. They do it to win a wreath that withers away, but we run to win a prize that never fades. (1 Cor 9: 25, ISV)