I started my One Hundred Days Vow about five years ago. It was on 14th of November 2004, to be exact. Funny that I can remember the date easily, but recalling the year is always hard for me. Was it that long time ago? Sometimes it feels like just yesterday for me.

The Hundred Days supposed to end on 21st of February in the next year, another sacred date for me – and don’t ask why. But to be honest, I remember I’d given up the vow around the 50-something day. I was too tired & scared, and defeated by the ‘facts’ that things didn’t change. So I gave up.

A hundred days is not a sacred number for me. I was not going to bet the fate or force God to change His mind on my case in some number of days. I knew that it was impossible. I was giving myself a measure on a big commitment I took that day. One hundred days was definitely shorter than a lifetime. But yet I failed. And here I am…

I never forget the promise I made that day. Sometimes I still hear it in my ears – when I pray, when I sit still… Sometimes I wonder, if only I had made it – the hundred days vow, would I be here now… or to be somewhere else, doing other role in different stage of life?

Maybe after all, it wasn’t merely one hundred days vows but one that should last forever? I’m still doing it until today – though there are days I forget or I just feel I can’t… and I really wonder if one day my dear Lord answer it all, and I would see the Heaven declares the glory and joy to welcome some of my dearest people Home 🙂

I’ve been fighting for this feeling for quite some time, and it’s been more exhausting even compared to my hardest time. Now everything mixed up together. I feel all the loss, the hurt, the emptiness…

Now I’m trying to be honest to myself… I’m just a broken-hearted girl. Broken hearted for thousands of reasons. And if you ever wonder why you never see me smile again – just give me some moment if you don’t mind. I’m just a broken-hearted girl, trying to be true with myself and stop hiding behind my happy jolly looking.

Hhh… it never crossed my mind that I would be in this same thing again. But really, I just don’t have the guts to keep fighting – I have lost all my nerve, my strength, my reasons, I have lost all…

This morning, I sat down alone on my praying rug – dear God, I’m giving up…

Then I read my devotional reading for today from Luke 18. Verse 1 says…

‘Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up” (NIV)

Other translation says… that men ought always to pray, and not to faint (KJV)

… that men always ought to pray and not lose heart (NKJV)

… that they ought always to pray and not lose heart (ESV)

In Indonesian language… Yesus mengatakan suatu perumpamaan kepada mereka untuk menegaskan, bahwa mereka harus selalu berdoa dengan tidak jemu-jemu…

So today I’m giving up myself, to do my part once more. I’m starting my second One Hundred Days Vow. Oh how difficult it is to be faithful, to trust in God and believe in His unknown way…

But hasn’t He promised?

…. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? (Luke 18:7)

And I’m so waiting for that day!