Bukan ga Percaya, tapi Ga Berdaya

The title in English: it’s not that I don’t believe, but I can’t do anything about it.

I’m 31 years old and single. It’s a good combination to anticipate a lot of curiosity from family and friends why I’m still single at this time. Some of them asked out of a genuine concern, while some of them ask out of simple curiosity.

In my long and hard way of learning about God, myself, and the life He’s given to me, I found that this state being single as one of my major (and most difficult) lesson of life. And for all the hardship and adversity God has let me to go through, I now choose to be grateful for all the lesson and growth He let me to have by having all of them in my life.

A cousin just messaged me today, saying that he really regret that this Xman and I can’t be together when he actually find that both of us would make a perfect couple.

OK, let me tell you a sad story to give you a clearer picture.

About ten years ago, I attended a cousin’s wedding. Her brother also came to the party. All those times they had lived in US, so I never met them in person. And they are my distant-cousin, so we didn’t really know each other.

Call it a love at the first sight, because it seemed both I and Xman seemed to get along very well in such a short time. He told me later that after the party, he had asked about me to his grandmother – only to get the answer that though we’re not direct cousin, but according to the rules and regulations of our tribe, a marriage between both of us is not permissible. So it’s been a small little story between us and some other cousins, knowing that I and Xman had had a crush for each other, but the law forbad us.

Regrettably to say, ten years later, both of us are still single. And out of the frustration of being single and pushed by the family, another single cousin chatted with me today, and then came with a message saying he really couldn’t understand till this time why I and Xman can’t be together. He said he really knows that I’m exactly the Xman’s type and only I could make him fall in love.


He’s been the one who always persisted that about this true-love between me and Xman for so many years! Sometimes the Xman and me did chat and joke about it, but we always take this thing lightly. So I wrote back to this cousin: Gee cousin, lucky me and Xman were never this serious and persistent about this matter as you do. He replied: You don’t believe me, don’t you? It’s true, you must trust me!

So I replied in Indonesian: Bukan ga percaya, tapi ga berdaya (not that I don’t believe, but I can’t do anything about it).

So you just read an irony of the day – even after 10 years, my cousin still insists that Xman only gives his heart to me. And here I am and there he is, being single and not that I’m not lonely. What information to have in the middle of a Friday!

But what to do next? Both of me and Xman respect our parents and the law too much to run away – though maybe I’m much more a rebel than him, but it just seems impossible, so we never think too much on it.

Last night I attended a class about the Gospels and the Acts in my church. Despite of being overwhelmed by more than two hours of all those theological terminologies and theories, one of the teacher’s comments has touched me.

We were discussing about the some theologian’s critics and thesis about things in the Bible, and the more we discussed the further we went into the mystery of God and His Words. There were so many questions uttered, and so many theories, and we were getting more confused when he said this (I can’t really recall the exact sentence, I’m rephrasing in my own words).

“Let’s always remember, instead of fighting about some facts, like which book has been written first than the other – the books of Gospels, or the letters from Paul. We human tend to lose our way in the search and argument, at the end, when you know which one was the first book to be written, you ought to ask this very question, ‘This knowledge and information that I’ve been pursued, what does it bring for the growth of my knowledge of God? What does it do for the good of other’s faith? Does it only prove that I’m smart enough to find it? Does it build your trust more to God?’ Let’s not be trapped in the theologically intelligent debate which is not useful for your growth and others.”

He then added that to study is important. To have the eagerness to learn more is important. But what’s the essence of the knowledge for us – that’s much more important.

In this era when information seems to be overflowed, what do you do with it? We’re chasing the information – we try to update ourselves about people from Facebook and Friendster. Look, she just got married. Oh, they’re no longer in relationship. Wow, she’s now in Paris! Oh my God, she was divorced. What? He’s a Phd graduate? Wow, she’s going for another holiday!

You can peek into somebody’s blog and find that someone has broken his heart. You can look into somebody’s tweeter and when he said, “Hi there, your smile has captured my heart.” You can look into somebody’s Linkedin and study about her position. You can look into someone’s flickr and know his fantasy. You can look into my blog and get a bit of grip about me and my thought.

You can get answers of all questions in Yahoo-answer. You can get all definition in Wikipedia. You can found hundreds of different essays about one single thing when you google it down. You can trace the history, you can know all things!

At the end, what this information and knowledge has served you?

I’m 31 years old and single. Today I learn (again) that out there a man has set his heart on me and we can’t do anything about it. I have this knowledge, and I’m thinking how it will drive my feeling today. Will I be disappointed? Will I start to blame God for my not-so-glorious-love-life? Will I break into tears and call him that I want to break the rules and just run-off with him? Will I question about God’s love and His providence in my life?

The world is holding thousands of knowledge out there. Are you going to grab it? Do you chase it? What kind of knowledge you’re pursuing in your life? What are you doing with it – and what good thing does it serve you?

May all knowledge I know, I can put in front of God and judge it wisely before Him. Which one to hold, which one to let go, in the fear of God alone…

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction. Proverbs 1:7 (King James Version)

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