I just received a call yesterday from my church choir coordinator (err, what’s your position actually, Angky?) He asked me whether I can join the Monday practice – means joining ROS (Reformed Oratorio Society). I almost forgot to breath and started to giggle (my famous reaction whenever I get nervous). I asked him, why me? I can’t sing! I’m hopeless in reading the music notation and my voice always hits the wrong pitch. He warned me not to say that I can’t sing – reminding me that God has given me the talent. He asked me to decide and make a serious commitment in the ROS. I can’t remember all he said, but it’s something like serving God with what we have received from Him?

 

As a background, there are two choirs in my church. One is the church choir; the other one is the smaller but more intensive which is ROS. I never for even once had a thought of joining ROS. I’m really poor in reading notes and all ROS songs are dreadfully difficult. Plus the problem of my unsteady voice and I’m very slow in learning music and my health and so on and so on. But my biggest fear of joining the choir (even from the very beginning) and now ROS in particular is my pride.

I’ve written about it here once. I had given it a very serious thought before I finally decided to join the choir in Singapore at the very first time. I’ve been singing for almost all of my life, but joining the choir again means I’m deliberately choosing a service which will require me to perform myself in front of a lot of people, and I don’t like it. All of these difficult years, God had hit me so hard for so many times because of my self-pride, and I thought the most proper way to learn about being humble is… to hide. So I preferred other ways to serve God, being the usher, teaching the Sunday School, joining the prayer meeting, leading a cell group.

And now I’m asked to join ROS. Hey, it’s not something very serious as being the soloist for an opera, it’s just being asked to be a member of the choir. But still, I’ve put choir as the last choice on how I want to serve God. Oh dear God, why this? Of all things I can do and I want to do, why choir? Why do You put me in the place that is most dangerous for my soul?

I put on the earphone back to my ears and stared to the monitor. Piper continued his talk, “when Moses refused to go speak to Pharaoh, God got angry and said to Moses, “Who made man’s mouth? Who makes him dumb or deaf or seeing or blind? Is it not I the Lord?”’ Piper was talking in his sermon ‘Christ and Cancer’ about the sovereignty of God who decide of what He wants to do in our life – including sickness and health. But I can’t help feeling slapped by the verse, because in Moses’ story, that’s exactly what he did. He said to God, “I’m not good in speaking, neither before nor after You spoke to me.” (Exodus 4:10). And now I’m saying the same thing, “I’m not good in singing, and hey God, You’re making a big mistake in telling me to sing”. And actually I’m doing once again what has been warned to me earlier on pride when I said, “I’m not good in being assertive.”

I’m not good in singing, so I’ve decided I can’t join ROS. I have problems about being in stage – my pride as well as my nervousness, so I’ve decided that ROS is not a proper service for me. I’m feeling that I’m much more talented in other area so I’ve decided what the best thing I would do. So I’ve decided what is good for me and what I’m good at, because I thought that I’m the one who knows myself and about God’s work better than anyone else. Even better than God.

What is the meaning to serve God in choir other to worship Him? And who am I to think that teaching – or praying is more important and more worthy than worshipping? Who am I to think that I’m so good at one thing when God wants me to do other thing?

It’s still difficult to learn about God’s will in my life. It’s still difficult to listen to His call. It’s still difficult to overcome my self-pride and humbly confess that God knows better than me. It’s still difficult to say in obedience, “Here I am Lord, send me.”

It’s a call to worship. And though it’s difficult, but for you Lord, I will fight!