But last night, the shopping trip is unavoidable. I ended up spending two hours of standing and thinking (sigh); and in the middle of my contemplation, a chatty Singaporean lady started to talk to me, “These wallets are good, and I’m happy about the discount. Though it’s good I won’t spend so much if I had to buy them full price.” Since she looked so friendly (and I felt so lost), I asked her opinion about two pieces in my hand. “Oh, I think the black one is better. I like the black one. It also suits your funky look.”
Trying to picture in mind my reflection in my mirror before I went out of the house – ‘funky’? Oh mine, from all words I want others to describe my personality; tonight I got ‘funky’ as my label. And all I did was standing silently for 1 hour contemplating on two wallets, wearing khaki pants and jacket, and I got labeled!
Have you ever felt the same? Being labeled by others, and somehow you feel that they put a wrong one on you.
My church friends always describe me as the most cheerful person. While at some points it’s true and I can’t blame them because being cheerful is what I always show, but somehow deep inside I have hoped that they might be able to see me beyond that. Some people had even somehow judged me ‘shallow’ because they always find me being bubbly and make jokes about everything. What they don’t understand is I’m a very nervous person, and every time I feel nervous I would babble and giggle and talk too fast to hide my tenseness. So no wonder a lot of people don’t regard me seriously and sometimes even ‘bully’ me.
My sister calls me DDT – ‘DiP the Deep Thinker’ because I tend to be too serious thinking about everything – to be very worried at the end. And I always try to hide my serious side from everyone. I think it’s only less than 20 people know that I’m a serious person – my nuclear family, my sister, my cell group (every time I lead the group and see their tense face, I know that I have frightened them :D), and a very few people who happen to see my writings.
I told my sister once that I often hope to be able to show my serious side to others and stop hiding it. She told me that it’s natural to have the tendency to hide it. Because people who are too serious are sometimes not ‘cool’, not pleasant to talk with. And we often seek for other’s approval, we often look for their acceptance, so we hide this and that about ourselves and only highlight what we thought as the most acceptable ones.
Have you ever felt the same? Hiding something from others, hoping they would accept you easier, but in the same time you’re yearning for being accepted as the whole you, as what you are?
I told a friend one day about my version on romantic love: After a very long learning in life, someone finally finds the right person, who can see her through, and love her as she is. She would understand and love the man in the same way, and God bless their relationship.
Someone who can see me through, who would love me even when I’m less then a half of myself. Someone who loves me when I’m bubbly or serious, believes in me when I’m weak or strong.
Don’t we all hope for someone like that?
I remember a song by Air Supply that was given to me fifteen years ago. Its title: Someone Who Believes in You.
When there’s a dark storm on your horizon
And you think you can’t get through it
Just put your hand in my hand
And I’ll show you how to do it
When the future looks uncertain
You can count on me to be there
And when your heart and soul are hurtin’
Just look and you’ll see me there
So when you’re searching for that rainbow
I will help you find it
And when a mountain stands before you
I will help you climb it
Just follow where I lead
I’ll give you what you need
A love that’s always true
And someone who believes in you
And I’ll tell you something else
You’ll start believing in yourself
It’s an easy thing to do
When you have someone who believes in you
Someone who believes
I’m someone who believes
And you’ve got someone who believes in you
Don’t we all hope for someone who believes in us?
Funny in a strange way, I actually wrote about this once, 20th of June 2006, exactly 4 years ago…
Satu-satunya yang bisa membuat perasaan lega adalah pihak-pihak yang “can see me through”… sehingga aku tidak perlu memutuskan di depan orang-orang itu aku harus jadi aku yang lemah atau aku yang kuat… Anyway mereka ga perduli karena mereka kenal aku yang sebenarnya – versi manapun juga…
Sebenarnya itu keinginan semua orang – menemukan orang yang bisa melihat siapa sebenarnya kita dibalik topeng-topeng yang kita kenakan.
Tapi sayangnya itu cuma satu di antara berjuta… sulit sekali bisa menemukan orang yang di depannya kita ga usah jadi siapa-siapa.
Itu bahasa jawanya belahan jiwa…
Singapore – June 20th once more.