I must have been a pathetic woman. I was once being upset to my sister because she said I was pathetic (in my love life to be precised), and here I am, couldn’t agree more, I am pathetic.

 

I’ve spent two days lying on my bed trying to calm down my nerves stomach due to so many activities in the past week. And just when I felt better (finally), half portion of oatmeal porridge and some mixed feelings had successfully sent me to another session of nausea. Gee… perut karet mental tempe! Sungguh gadis yang lemah!

Sigh.

So I’m writing here trying to balance my emotion (and hopefully can calm down my irritating stomach), and somewhat trying to practice my English since I’m starting to lose my every English vocab since I started my Dutch lessons. Sigh. I hate to admit that I’m sad. But I am. I am sad. Sad. Sad. Sad.

Sigh.

I was told before, that somehow there’s a possibility that I might be not strong enough to pass the test- just like the others have failed before. And tonight I was told once more. And somehow, as it had in so many times before, that question, the doubt, the query, squeezed my guts and left me questioning myself, am I strong enough? Am I good enough?

I’ve asked the same questions for years. For so many persons. And people came by and went away… leaving me with a belief that maybe, maybe it’s true, I’m just not good enough for them. Even for my closest persons. I fight the feelings too often, trying to prove that I’m strong, and won’t let them down. That I can make them proud. That I won’t fall down again. But yet, sometimes they still question me, will I be strong enough? Am I good enough?

Is there a way to be a perfect woman? A strong woman my Mom can be proud about? A good woman my man will fight for? Me? Being strong? With this perut karet and my mental tempe?