So this is the beginning of another part of my life. With cancer. Yes. Cancer.
It sounds so scary when I read or heard about others getting it. But when the doctor told me in his office that my biopsy result was not good – you have tumor (he almost didn’t have the heart to say cancer), I almost didn’t wince. I didn’t have any heart attack or palpitation or anything. I don’t think my heart beat faster that time when he dropped the bomb.
I read so much and I realized even when it’s stated that for thyroid nodules only 1 percent is cancerous, I had the feeling that I could be one of that one percent. Especially when my direct aunts were suffering from that same particular cancer. Although the doctor said the chance of having the cancer hereditary is very odd but I just got the feeling. And now it came true, and I felt nothing.
Anyway here I am, still registering the fact and the fact into my mind… that this is a fact and not a fiction, and this is happening to me. Not to someone I know, or to someone that my friends know.
So in my wandering mind (I’m quite enjoying this because I feel safe and not fearful), I try to write again. A lot of people write to leave a legacy, or to inspire others. I don’t think I’m that strong and inspiring. I might be even too selfish to think that I should write to my children.
I think I write to feel better, stronger. To find God in these difficult circumstances I’m facing now. To clear my mind. To stop it from wandering too far. To remind myself (when I read it again) if I feel low when things goes worse later.
I begin this journey with this promise of strength and comfort that I found in Psalms 91.
Psalm 91English Standard Version (ESV)
Table of Contents
My Refuge and My Fortress
91 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.2 I will say[a] to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”3 For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence.4 He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.5 You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day,6 nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.7 A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.8 You will only look with your eyes and see the recompense of the wicked.9 Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place— the Most High, who is my refuge[b]—10 no evil shall be allowed to befall you, no plague come near your tent.11 For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.12 On their hands they will bear you up, lest you strike your foot against a stone.13 You will tread on the lion and the adder; the young lion and the serpent you will trample underfoot.14 “Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name.15 When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him.16 With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.”
I like the Indonesian verses better.
91:14 “Sungguh, hatinya melekat kepada-Ku 6 , maka Aku akan meluputkannya, Aku akan membentenginya, sebab ia mengenal nama-Ku. 91:15 Bila ia berseru kepada-Ku, Aku akan menjawab, Aku akan menyertai dia dalam kesesakan, Aku akan meluputkannya dan memuliakannya. r 91:16 Dengan panjang umur s akan Kukenyangkan dia, dan akan Kuperlihatkan kepadanya keselamatan t dari pada-Ku.”
And no. Perhaps this is not as simple as I haven’t registered the news into my brain so I can feel as calm as today. I believe this is the work of God because these verses had been my company in the long month I waited from the day I found I had thyroid nodule and confirmed that it’s a cancer.
I believe that God does give me strength and calms me down…
And although perhaps there are some cells in me want to scream out “I AM AFRAID!!!!”.
The hopeful girl in me whispering silently but strongly in my heart that God is in charge and He knows the best, He does the best, according to His limitless mercy and love.
And as you read this and think about me, please pray for me. Not firstly to be healthy, but to be faithful, and hopeful to God and only God alone. In this new journey of mine.
“Sungguh, hatinya melekat kepada-ku”. – “Because holds fast to me in love.”
God, please, help me to hold fast to You!