Today is Valentine’s day (as if it matters to me). I’ve been wanting to write something else since I read a very disturbing news this morning, but it would take a long time to write that since it’s a very difficult topic, so I will write about something else instead.
A few days ago I happened to remember someone and I proceeded to check her on Facebook. To my surprise I saw her wedding pictures – she got married! Oh wow, that’s big news!
To be honest, I don’t know her personally, nor she knows me. She might never know my existence, haha. This nasty curious side of mine has tracked her a few good years ago when she was still a girlfriend of someone I knew. From Facebook I found out that somehow she moved abroad and the relationship didn’t work out (I couldn’t tell which came first), but soon after she’s in Europe the man got married to someone and this beautiful young woman has since then lived in Europe. Alone. Or so did it seem.
And that happened around 10 years ago, so if my brain doesn’t betray me, this woman should be around 40 years old this year. You might say, oh you’re so bad! Stalking and judging people! Well, you said it right. I shouldn’t do this. But I couldn’t stop being curious, perhaps because I knew a bit of this and that of the person that used to be with her, and I could imagine that their splits were giving this woman a bunch of broken hearts.
What’s wrong with being married at 40 years old? Nothing. In fact I’m actually elated that she finally found someone. I have this soft spot for women who haven’t been married when they are older. Perhaps because I was one of them. Of course people hold different views these days – nothing wrong being single, or nothing wrong with being married later when they have established a good career, or any other reason you can up too.
But one reason that holds many people from getting married is having a prior break up that left a big scar – too big to completely heal, too big to love someone new.
Of course not everyone holds this reason. And of course I don’t know everything. But let’s say this is purely my own experience (and observations, to be truthful).
Many women (and men) spend many years of their lives looking for the right someone. And finding Mr. Right is nowhere an easy journey. Some people get it fast, while the others have to go through several relationships until they find the right person – the one you love, and the one who loves you back.
I liked to think from the 7000 million people on this earth – let’s say 3500 million are men, how to find one among this millions that fall in love with you and you fall in love with him too? Such a daunting task! When I was still in university my mom once asked me why didn’t I want to date ‘A’ (a son of my parent’s church friends) and why would I spend my energy looking for other boy (yeah, right, I was looking for a boy-friend, not a ‘real’ man) when someone so eligible was waiting for my answer.
My reply was: “Mom, there are like 10000 students in my university alone, 7000 of them are likely male (it’s a technique institute), and let’s say 2000 of them are Christian, and you want me to tight myself to this one even before I try looking around?”
My mom replied: “So you want to date those 2000 boys one by one before you find the right one?”
Well, you get the point. Finding Mr. Right is not an easy matter. And on top of that, falling in love is something you (almost) can’t control! Like the song said, “I can’t help falling in love with you…”, this falling in love business sends us to hundreds of chances of broken hearts because we can easily fall into someone who’s not in love with us, or sometimes we just love the wrong someone…
But one thing I see in common especially in women, is that we take love very seriously. We LOVE to love. We LOVE to fall in love. We LOVE to maintain this love. We LOVE being in love. We LOVE the idea that we’re in love. We LOVE being in a relationship. And somehow we’re proud because we’re able to love. Love is such a high virtue, and when we are able to give this pure feeling to someone – whatever their response is – we have this fulfilled feeling that we’re actually doing something good – loving someone truthfully, giving someone unconditional love.
This classic case of being the bearer of pure love has led many young women into a lot of (unnecessary) troubles. These (naive) young women are to easily give in to not so naive young (or even older!) men, who actually have only physical interest or short term goals to do with them. All while the women think that this love will last forever, which will end up in a pretty-white-lace wedding gown!
Unfortunately not all first loves are that easy. Not all love at the first sight ends up in marriage. Not all people you fall in love to are the right person.
But many feel that this pure love is too precious to let go. Even when the other one turns themselves toward another direction, these true love warriors won’t give up that easily.
“He might be with another woman now, but my love for him is something I won’t let go.”
“I love him too much to let this feeling die. I can’t help myself.”
“I can’t see another man. My heart is set in him alone.”
“This is a real true love. This is nothing compared to his current fling. He will come back to me. One day he will realize that I’m his true love.”
You ask me how I knew? I know because I was one of these girls. My very first love cost me 13 years of my youth. Loving only one boy for 13 solid years, nothing could budge my eyes from this beautiful man. I never liked any other boys, not interested in dating anyone, have filled at least 4 or 5 diaries full of his names, and poems on how much I love him, and felt guilty when I finally wanted to do the real dating with someone else.
Oh did I say that it was a one sided love?
Nevertheless I bore the pride of being able to love someone so deep, so pure, so strong, so intact – for years, even many years after I consider I have stopped loving this man.
Now, many relationships later and a marriage of 10 years, I found that that one true love I was so proud and cared so much was actually not a true love after all. I learned that it takes so much more than an infatuation and admiration to define the word love. I learned that true love takes two persons, and true love is not only about one’s desire to own the other person. I learn that true love is actually a verb, a process, not really a noun.
One day a dear friend of mine was chatting with me, expressing her struggle because she can’t forget a man she loved. The man himself had found his way with another woman and was getting married soon. I said to my friend:
“Girl, do you know we are called by God to be faithful in our love and commitment to one man?”
“But do you know that we’re called to be faithful in our love to our husbands only? Not to a boyfriend or lover?”
I never know what was the reason why the woman I stalked waited 10 years after her break up to find another man. She must have her own reasons. But I’m happy for her that she is able to move on from her past relationship. Just as I was so grateful that my dear friend above finally found her true love and got married after spending many years in hoping to hold a wrong someone.
How do you know then it’s true love? How do you know then he’s the one?
Well, I myself can’t tell how to do it. My own experience after 13 years loving one person, and 13 years searching for the right one (wow, 13 and 13!) has led me to one man, in a special way out of all ways I could ever think of. It will take another writing to tell you about that, but one thing for sure:
True love comes only from God. True love happens only in God.