Two years later, 4100 miles apart

9th day of November, two years ago.

I was unpacking at Daisy’s apartments. New town, new country. The city of lion – I often called her.

What was I doing? I was looking for job there after being ill for months and my previous company asked me to leave.

How was I doing? Limp, both legs, both hands. Aircon was my biggest enemy, jacket and scarf and hat were my closest friends.

How did I feel? A bit scared, but somehow hopeful. It was my first flight going abroad, and somehow I didn’t feel too much. It was so unclear what was before me, but He’s helping along the way – our prayers were answered, and you were there. Yes you were.

How did I get through the first days? I don’t know. I pushed myself. Didn’t know how I managed to pull my luggage and my bag and my legs. Didn’t know I had the strength to start my long distance walk in the city where I found no ojek or becak. But He provided all the strength I need. And you were there, yes you were.

How did I cope with troubles? I cried, a lot. I was not strong all the times. I got frustrated. Things were so different. People could be so ruthless. I could feel so numb. But somehow He strengthened me, and you were there, yes you were.

How did I pass the day? One by one, with laugh, and tears, and prayer. Singing along the way. Arguing. Laughing. Smiling. Praying together with you. While you were there, yes you were.

Now it’s been two years, 4100 miles apart, 3660 miles further.

What am I doing? Sorting out the mess of one of my office project – same old office where I started two years back. Alone in the land of white dresses men.

How am I doing? Fine. Tired. Exhausted, but healthy as a young horse – thank to He who provides. As long as I keep calm and not panic, and avoid any depressing thoughts that always freeze me.

How do I feel? Anxious. Sometimes so furious. This one is my first long-haul flight. Our prayers are not answered, yet. The futere is even unclearer than ever. But I try my best – together with Whose strength is perfect – to be strong. Although now you’re not here. No, you are not.

How did I manage my first days here? I don’t know. I still wonder sometimes thinking how could I not fall ill after weeks of working until midnight. I felt the same way like two years ago. When I pulled my luggage and my bag (the same ones I brought this day two years ago), I felt nothing. Just taking one step at the time, looking forward to the day I can go back home. Though you’re not there anymore. No you’re not.

How do I face problems? Sometimes I still feel panic. Outraged to some people. I call my mom many times. I slept the whole day when I couldn’t face the day anymore. I pray and pray, even though you’re not here to pray with me. No you’re not.

How do I pass the days? I work, I do meetings. I write so many emails. I read loads of letter and codes and regulations. I chat with my old friends. I take pictures. I bake whenever I get too worried. Sometimes I feel it’s so bad you’re not here to take pictures with me. To eat my cakes like you used to do. You’re not here, no you’re not.

It’s been hundred of days and thousand miles away…

My love, tomorrow will be another day living without you.

Although I will survive – as you will survive, by His will and His grace and His love which is always sufficient for you and me… as I close my eyes tonight, I hope these miles will be crossed, as you dance with me in my dreams.

Repeating our divine dancing, once more, once again this time…

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