I cried a bit last night while I was talking to my Mom. I told her I really feel uncertain, and though I’ve tried my best to be strong and always look happy, but deep inside I really feel scared.
I told her, that in too many times I think it’s so much easier to live with my past. Though it might be sad sometimes, but at least it feels familiar, while tomorrow holds so many unknown things for me.
She asked me, “Don’t you know that God is holding your hand?”
I said, “Yes, but it’s not easy not to be afraid when I can’t see anything.”
So I slept and dreamed last night. About a face I know so well, a book, and a baby-stroll (until now, I can’t find any reason why there’s a baby-stroll in my dream). I wake up this morning and felt weird about the dream. Well, anyway it’s just a dream. Though I really don’t hope that one would come true…
This morning, my devotional reading actually talked about the uncertainty I’m feeling right now:
…it has not yet been revealed what we shall be… – 1 John 3:2
Our natural inclination is to be so precise— trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next— that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of the spiritual life. The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty.
Consequently, we do not put down roots. Our common sense says, “Well, what if I were in that circumstance?” We cannot presume to see ourselves in any circumstance in which we have never been.
Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life— gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God.
We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next. Jesus said, “. . . believe also in Me” (John 14:1) not, “Believe certain things about Me”. Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in— but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him.
Well, no personal thought in this post this time. Chambers has told me clearly what I have to do with my uncertainty. I guess this is the time to hold tight to my faith and say, God knows what’s best for me.