So, I guess this is my first posting after I got married back on the early of January this year. It’s not that married life is not so exciting so I stopped writing for awhile. But there were so many changes happen in my life that it’s sometimes hard for me to manage myself (not manage the time, because really, I have plenty of them) to be adjusted to this much slower pace of life.
And a few days ago, on November 7th 2011 we went to visit the midwife and was being confirmed by her that a baby is on her way. She was 5 weeks and 3 days old, growing in my belly.
It feels like a dream, really. Not those flowery dreams you have in those falling-in-love moments. No, it feels like a dream because everything seems so new and yes, I am an old girl who always has some problems in grasping the reality. I often asked my husband, “Is this real, that we’re married?” And he would hug me and said, “Yes this is real, sweetheart, you’re mine now.” And now I ask more questions, “Am I really pregnant of your baby? Baby of the man I always tried to avoid?” Giggling in his arms, feeling like I’m being in the middle of new things, and wondering where those dark times went – when the uncertainty felt like a solid and endless reality.
And now, God has given us one more of His endless grace – we are expecting. I can’t stop myself from thinking, ‘do I really deserve this?’ Because all of my life, I have struggled to follow Him, and most of the times, I have made Him cry…
I have seen a lot of family and friend who struggle in their prayers for having children… and in fear I really ask my God, do I really deserve this grace that He’s been so kindly giving us today. And just like our love story, where God amazingly has led us to meet again after being separated for so long… this too, if you asked me, I will surely answer this too has been done only by His Grace.
And sometimes I do feel worry about being expecting when I’m no longer so young, with a quite long health history. And thinking that I would give birth here, so far from my family and friends where the health system is quite different with we have in Asia… sometimes I really wonder how we can get it through. But again I would answer myself, those things will be done, by His Grace alone.
I guess that’s why they say “we’re expecting” because every pregnant mother is actually expecting God’s grace every single day until the baby is born.
We are expecting. That’s our good news. And it is God’s grace alone that we are expecting to fill our life every day. That’s our ground for hope.